...Awareness and constant self-reflection are prerequisites in my line of work, along with examining and challenging my beliefs, ethics and principles on a regular basis. Clients come for counselling for a wide range of reasons, and some 'issues' are a lot more 'sensitive' than others, so it's really important for a counsellor to be aware of how they how they react and how they feel about all sorts of different topics, ranging from parenting styles, religion, sexual preferences, affairs, political beliefs, termination, adoption, through to the use of escorts, porn and so on... (this list is in no particular order; it's just the order in which the words came out of my head and on to the screen, by the way)...
I can be quite set in my ways and beliefs and opinions, but I have much more of an open mind when it comes to my clients; I have the awareness and acceptance that everyone is unique and has their own set of values. As a counsellor, part of my role involves trying hard to see things from my clients' perspectives, rather than from my own. Therefore, I can find myself feeling that from a client's perspective, it is quite acceptable to have an affair, although that is something that I can't imagine doing myself.
However, on some matters, it is harder and more challenging to be able to accept clients' opinions without judgement; nor would it be right to. Racism springs to mind as an example... But I'm digressing from the point of this blog now, so I'll try to steer myself back onto the subject in hand.
Over the last couple of days, the subject of porn and the use of 'escorts' is something I've been reflecting upon... including thoughts about sexual objectification and so forth...
It's got me thinking... who is really being exploited??
- the woman, who is making money from her body and sexuality?
- or the man, who is paying, sometimes a lot of money, for something that shouldn't have a price tag on it...
... maybe it's a case that 'making love' is something that money can't buy... maybe 'sex' is something different...
Loss of respect is another aspect of prostitution, but whose respect has been lost? Maybe a woman feels empowered, rather than disrespectful or disrespected... maybe it is the man who has lost self-respect or is disrespectful... or maybe a man can feel more self-respect for using an escort... and maybe he is respectful towards the escort?
'Power' is another angle on this - the man paying money is in a position of power, but maybe the woman demanding money is also in a position of power....
Maybe the key is 'choice'... maybe if a woman chooses to be an escort or prostitute, and is happy with her decision, then it is acceptable and empowering... but what about all the people who are forced into prostitution and have no choice, so feel trapped, scared, disempowered, and so on??
hmm... it's a complex subject and is one that I'll no doubt be continuing to reflect upon over the next few weeks...
Please feel free to add your own comments...
Great article! One of the things that it throws up is that you have to see things from both sides (and maybe a third or forth perspective) and also that you cannot say something is 'right' or 'wrong' without taking into account the circumstances.
ReplyDeleteMany years ago, my parents went through a bitter divorce. From my perspective at the time, my father had gone off with another woman and that was wrong. Years later, with the immediate bitterness gone, my dad explained to me how unhappy he was in the relationship and that he found it unloving and had contemplated suicide. Maybe he should have separated first before finding someone else, but then again, maybe finding that someone else gave him a reason to live and I'm fortunate that I've had 24 years of his company and in that time, we've grown even closer. I cannot wipe out the memories of my mum crying herself to sleep at night, getting drunk, taking stuff out on me etc, but I have been able to understand why my dad did what he did at the time.
Regarding prostitution, you raise an interesting question about control and power. Clearly there are some women (and men) who are forced into prostitution against their will. People in this situation are being used and abused by both the 'client' and by the pimp. On the other hand, I'm know there are people who willingly enter into prostitution almost as a profession (I have a friend who knows a guy who willingly and happily offers his services to other men and enjoys it), but is that a control issue by the prostitute over the client? There are also many prostitutes (according to the news & TV programs that I've seen) that use it as a method to fund a drug habit, so whilst they are willing to do it, I'm sure that they'd rather not have to degrade themselves in this way.
And then there is the difference between sex and making love! As a man, and I can only speak for men, and in truth, only for myself (although conversations with other men reveal a common thread), there are times when men want sex (which I would naively define as a physical act which results in orgasm), but most of the time we want to make love to our partner (which need not result in orgasm, but is more in the head). I would imagine that you cannot make love to a prostitute and anyone who thinks otherwise is surely kidding themselves about the feelings and emotions that the prostitute is having towards them.
There might also be another reason that people use prostitutes and that is to experience a fantasy and sexual act that they cannot or will not perform with their partner for one reason or another. One could question why they cannot do the particular thing with their partner, or why they have that particular 'need'. Maybe by fulfilling the 'need' with a 3rd party and keeping it just to 'sex', they are keeping the main relationship going and are able to still make love to their partner - can that be justified? Then that throws up issues of honesty - what is the basis of a relationship if one person has such secrets and will have to go to lengths to cover their tracks…
Nothing is black and white…
I wrote a really long reply earlier, but it didn't post for some reason, so I'll try to recapture what I said...
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for such an honest reply that makes some interesting points. It's also really helpful to have a man's perspective on this, so thank you for that.
Yes, I think that (particularly as a counsellor) honesty is a big thing I struggle with when I've had clients coming to me who are in relationships and use prostitutes behind their wives' backs... Even if on one hand it seems to improve thier relationship, it makes me wonder how a reationship with such deceit and dishonesty taking place can ever actually be 'good'... It raises the issue for me 'am I colluding with my clients in accepting their opinion that it is good for their marriage?'... Especially since the counselling relationship is based on honesty and openness... maybe I should be challenging my clients more about this... yet I don't want to destroy their trust in me, as it takes courage to open up and explore these issues in counselling.. If I judge them, then they will clam up and we won't be able to explore it more... so perhaps for now I have to accept their 'truth' and hope that as their awareness increases, they will start making positive changes to their lives and relationships...
Anyway, I seem to be thinking out loud now, so I'll stop rambling on.. it's such an interesting subject though... I think I'll have to do more reading around this topic...
Thanks again for adding to the discussion - I really appreciate your comment.
sorry it came up as 'anonymous' - I seem to be having problems commenting back as myself!
ReplyDeleteAli